The Perils of Too Much Sleep

The Perils of Too Much Sleep

Of the past 48 hours, I’ve slept 33. In addition to my prescribed Sonata, I took two over counter sleeping pills Wednesday and Thursday nights, instead of the usual one. I just don’t want to be awake – there’s no reason to be awake.

And sleep begets sleep, so I feel tired/out of it/depressed for the few hours I am awake.

I know this much sleep is a bad idea. I know that it will make me feel…

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Terrible with Raisins

“This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it” – Dorothy Parker

I’ve hit the lowest point in the mood cycle.

All I want to do is be asleep. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to exist. This is nothing new. I’ve been here countless times before. I know I have to just wait it out.


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Attack of the Shoulds

Attack of the Shoulds

I’ve been very anxious lately.

New medication Brintellix acting like Lamictal- flattening my mood. As such, I don’t feel anything, neither good nor bad.

Because I don’t feel bad and I have more energy than usual, I’m being attacked by shoulds:

  • I should be doing more.
  • I should be enjoying myself with formerly enjoyable activities.
  • I should be able to find something, anything satisfying, fun, or…

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4 Reasons Why I’m Humiliated by My Social Anxiety

4 Reasons Why I’m Humiliated by My Social Anxiety

1. Simple things should not be this difficult.

Ordering food from an unfamiliar restaurant.
Doing laundry at a new laundromat.
Letting someone read over my shoulder.
Talking on the phone.

2. I shouldn’t care this much about being judged or embarrassed.

Underlying social anxiety disorder or social phobia is the fear of being scrutinized, judged, or embarrassed in public. You may be afraid that…

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Progess. Positivity.

Today, I am making a list of all progress.

In no particular order and with no context or timeframes:

  • I am less afraid to speak in class.
  • It’s easier to disagree with colleagues/superiors.
  • In general, it’s easier to simply say “no” to anxiety-provoking invitations.
  • It’s been over six months since a panic attack.
  • I can define what “the medication is working” feels like.
  • I haven’t thrown up while…

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Social Anxiety and Dating Equation

Let’s consider the equation A – B < C.

  • A = amount of anxiety created and energy depleted while socializing
  • B = how much I want to see this person again.
  • C = how much I enjoyed the socializing

These parameters must be true in order to consider the date successful. If we substitute in the numbers, the problem becomes clear

1,000,000 – 15 < 30
999,985 < 30

That is simply untrue. A – B < C is never true.

Social Anxiety and Dating, Part 3

Social Anxiety and Dating, Part 3


From a voicemail to my brother after a date. A rational, non-anxious person would also react this way…I think.

I went on a date last night.

It’s part of an ongoing campaign to push through the anxiety in order to conquer it. This was actually the fourth person I’ve seen in the last seven months.

Bottom line: I hate it and it’s terrible.

During my flirtation with mental wellbeing (the…

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The Unbearable Brightness of Being

The Unbearable Brightness of Being

I measure my levels of depression in various ways.

Heavy or Light. High energy or low. White noise or clear.

Dark or bright.

Dark/bright is hard to explain. It’s not just that I feel dark. It’s like light levels change depending on my mood. For example, when I try to remember the day I told the headshrinker about the suicidal thoughts, my recollection of her office is really dark – like half the…

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My Brain is Taffy Paired with Brown Noise

My Brain is Taffy Paired with Brown Noise

I continue to struggle with pairing adjectives to my emotional state, but I can usually come up with a weird visual/aural analogy.

For example, my brain feels like taffy.


Everything is…

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